| Name |
John Kievlan |
| My page |
Mekail's Everquest Pages |
| My URL |
http://www.mekailsullon.com |
| Led here by |
I'm going through the whole Internet alphabetically |
| Location |
Texas, USA |
| Comments |
"Margret doesn't like to watch films on the TV. No, hold on - let me make sure you've got the inflection here: Margret doesn't like to watch films on the TV. She says she does, but years of bitter experience have proven that what she actually wants is to sit by me while I narrate the entire bleeding film to her. 'Who's she?', 'Why did he get shot?', 'I thought that one was on their side?', 'Is that a bomb' - 'JUST WATCH IT! IN THE NAME OF GOD, JUST WATCH IT!' The hellish mirror-image of this is when she furnishes me, deaf to my pleading, with her commentary. Chair-clawing suspense being assaulted mercilessly from behind by such interjections as, 'Hey! Look! They're the cushions we've got.', 'Isn't she the one who does that tampon advert?' and, on one famous occasion, 'Oh, I've seen this - he gets killed at the end.' "
I feel your pain, my friend, TRUST me, I FEEL your PAIN.
In case you're lost -- my girlfriend does that too.
Oh, oh, oh! This one too:
"Another dead cert is when I can't find something - the TV Guide, a shirt, my elastic band rifle, whatever, it doesn't matter - and the exchange goes:
'Gretch? Have you seen my sunglasses?'
'Have you looked for them?'
(Oooooooo, I, it, when, argggh! My teeth are gritted just typing that.)"
Although with me, it's a little different (well, very different, but that's not the point). It goes something like this:
(I can't find my sunglasses/book/CD/movie/drink/whatever)
(I search all over the house for it, stolidly determined NOT to ask my girlfriend if she's seen it)
(Finally I realize I probably won't find it in this life, so I [reluctantly] go to my girlfriend)
Me: Honey -- have you seen my [insert lost item here]?
Her: *gives me a look of utter hurt astonishment that I might even entertain the thought that she threw my [insert lost item here] into the proverbial Crack of Doom*
John, it's YOUR [insert lost item here]! I didn't do ANYTHING with it! What are asking ME for?!?! Why do you always assume I DID SOMETHING with stuff YOU lost?!
Me: *begins to wonder how "seeing" an item equates to "maliciously destroying it in a fit of orgiastic destructiveness"*
*shakes head in confusion and returns to fruitless search*
I've gotten to the point where, "Honey, have you seen my [insert lost item here]?" has become something along the lines of:
Me: "Baby, I love you. Now, I want you to understand that I would in no way imply that you might have DONE SOMETHING (comment: DONE SOMETHING -- to my stuff, that is -- is an utterly horrific concept to her -- it's something she's never done, would never do, and can't believe I would ever think she *might* do) to my things, or that you are in any way responsible for it's being lost. I merely am curious whether, in your wanderings through our apartment, and in casting your eyes over your (may I say, quite lovely) decorations of the walls, floor, ceiling, and other flat and non-flat surfaces of whose existence I was previously not even aware, your gaze might have fallen upon my [insert lost item here] and you might have stored that information away out of some sweet whim, in the thought that it might later be useful?"
Her: *gives me a look of utter hurt astonishment that I might even entertain the thought that she threw my [insert lost item here] into the proverbial Crack of Doom*
"John, it's YOUR [insert lost item here]! I didn't do ANYTHING with it! What are asking ME for?! Why do you always assume I DID SOMETHING with stuff YOU lost?!
"And why are you going on like that? You DO think I did something with it, DON'T you?!"
Me: *rolls eyes*
But I love her anyway :D
And THIS one:
"They're just nail clippings. Nail clippings must be the most inert thing on the planet, how can anyone seriously have a problem with nail clippings? You might as well freak out with, 'Bleuuuurrggh - helium!' Really - just get a hold of yourself. So you've walked barefoot across the bathroom and you find this has resulted in a nail clipping or two sticking to the bottom of your foot; well, simply brush them off into the bin - they're just nail clippings "
Hmm... this one always confuses me. See, when my fingernails are on my hands, she'll put them in her mouth and suck on them without a second thought. But let them separate from my fingers, and you'd think they're the putrid, rotting flesh of a giant spider (she hates spiders, too)... Now, I simply fail to understand the inherent difference between a sliver of fingernail connected to my finger, and that SAME PIECE OF FINGERNAIL clipped off.
Ok, one last final comment, then I'll shut up. Now, I understand the probable reaction to this comment, so in advance I'll have you know that when you're reacting as I know you will, I'll be sitting at my moniter with a superior look on my face, thinking, well, thinking something extremely witty and crushing that I'm sure I'll think of between now and then. Anyway, the comment:
Aw, c'mon! What do you have against Americans? I mean, we're not all THAT bad. Well, ok, the Southern Baptists are. All the other Bible Belt folks are too, but they're not as worthy of mention as the Southern Baptists. And California's cool. And Texas isn't all gay people and sheep-f***ers (some Texans are but we in the metroplexes pretend they don't exist, and therefore, if you're a solipsist, they don't, which solves a lot of problems and makes us feel infinitely better about ourselves -- besides, Arkansas is much worse). And there *are* a few of us who think GWB is stark raving mad (although I was perfectly happy to go to war in Afghanistan, even if I don't think the stark raving mad administration handled it very well after the fact). But all that's irrelevant. The point I'd like to make here is that I could say a lot of really bad things about you damn Brits (and they'd all be absolutely true, of course), but won't because I'm a mature and respectable person. So HA! (That's my witty and crushing thought -- impressive, huh?)
:D |
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