The Millionth Visitor's Prize!

To celebrate the One Millionth Visit made to the TMGAIHAA page there will be a special prize.

In an exciting, give-away bonanza, an all expenses paid holiday to one of six possible luxurious resorts will be purchased for me by the One Millionth Visitor. Yes, a month of relaxation in glorious surroundings awaits me and a partner of my choice, all paid for by The Millionth Visitor out of his or her own pocket. I will stay in a top hotel and eat expertly prepared meals. I will watch nightly shows featuring stars I had thought long dead. I will buy local craft articles from people whose friendly smiles and welcoming manner perfectly conceal the wholly justified bitter resentment they actually feel at having to scratch a living in this manner while I swan around their country flattering myself I have some kind of depth and I'm 'really connecting' with them while actually being a crass, lurid reminder to them of the savage, random injustice of our relative circumstances. I will send postcards of my hotel with my room circled in biro. All of this achieved through the generosity of The Millionth Visitor.

Did somebody say, 'Casino'? Oh, yes they did, Millionth Visitor - don't go cheap on me now. Your homeowner loan will pay for me to 'spin the wheel' all night and leave, as the sun is rising, penniless, but richer on the inside. But, as I say, otherwise penniless. The weeks will fly by as I unwind in a resort rich in local culture and orgiastic excess

It's The Millionth Visitor's Prize! - Will you be the one to foot the bill?

(The official Millionth Visitor will be notified by mail. The judge's decision is final, so you may as well just start raising the cash, OK? Oh, and the lawyers representing me in this matter are a Tennessee firm - I don't have to tell you, therefore. that if you try to cause any trouble then things could get very ugly indeed.)

We have a winner!

The Millionth Visitor's Prize has been awarded! Amid much excitement, intense competition and many a cry of, 'Christ - this whole thing is fixed. Agh! You... agh! No, I won't be quiet. Agh!' the Millionth Visitor has finally been identified.

Agents raced to the trailer of Billy-Bob Stewert in Georgia, USA, in the early hours of this morning to break the news and serve papers taking ownership of his car and mobile home. Overcome with emotion at his success, a teary Billy-Bob told the TMGAIHAA lawyers that he, 'thought that Millionth Visitor thing was just a joke,' adding, 'Please don't take my trailer. Where am I going to live? Or keep all these dogs?' before finding tranquility in silence and a glassy, unfocussed stare. Meanwhile, Mil, the beneficiary of Billy-Bob's unintentional generosity, modestly shunned the limelight and refused to give any comment except, 'Look - call my agent. If there's money on the table, then we'll talk, OK?'

A Millionth Visitor's Prize commemorative picture album will be in the shops by December, priced £18.99.