The original archive, compiled from the distant, primitive days of December 1998 (when Mil began his guestbook with a certain large company that to name would break several broadcasting rules as advertising) to June 9th 2001 (when Lycos (cripes, that's torn it) became completely crap and he turned elsewhere). Note that, statistically, 12% of these authors are now dead, so do not guffaw overmuch harshly at their fumbling inarticulacy.

- - - 2001

Ah, shall we ever again see world-definingly turbulent days like those of Thursday, June 14th to Wednesday, July 11th? I think we shall not. How comforting to reflect that, while nations struggled to determine their own tomorrows, Mil's readers sat isolated at home, bravely overcoming their difficulties with punctuation by typing every such mark within reach.

How well I remember the time between Wednesday, July 11th and Tuesday, July 31st. It was one of the most fulfillingly glorious of my long and adventurous life. Celebrate it with me by drinking a glass of fine, cooling wine every time a guest advises Mil to break up with Margret.

Tuesday, July 31st to Wednesday August 22nd. (You'll notice how my archives contain one hundred entries, because it's funnier.) Notice also how the necessity of archiving is roughly an accelerating process. At this rate, I shall be archiving 50 guests' worth of entries every 119 seconds. Also, I fought my arch-nemesis The Amanuensis on a moon-puddled rooftop during this period. The outcome was inconclusive.

I spent Wednesday, August 22nd to Friday, September 14th trapped inside a balloon, for I am very small. Meanwhile, another 100 of Mil's guests made their views known. None, of course, offered to help me out of the balloon. The archivist's task is a thankless one.

Between Friday, September 14th and Thursday, October 11th, while Mil's guests continued erroneously to complain that their arguments were far more alarming than are his, I lowered myself into a well as part of an experiment. The experiment was to see why people lower themselves into wells. I concluded that there is no reason to do so, which is why people generally refrain from lowering themselves into wells. I had, of course, taken the precaution of holding my breath and wearing water-wings. It's a grand life in the Royal Society of Archivists, I'd imagine.

It was finally between Friday, October 12th and Monday, November 5th that a guestbook entry was made which Mil had awaited since the beginning. What could it possibly be? I can retain my tiny measure of electrifying superiority if you decline to find out.

It takes me longer than from Tuesday, November 6th to Thursday, November 22nd to make a cup of tea, for heaven's sake. Don't you people have anything better to do, like help me make this cup of tea?

One hundred new visitors to catalogue, kill in a butterfly-jar and stack neatly in cupboards, and they arrived between Friday, November 23rd and Monday, December 10th. Mil's guestbook is destroying everything in its path.

Ah, the fortnight of Monday, December 10th to Monday, December 24th. I have no idea what happened during it, of course, as I was stuck in a tiny airless room cataloguing the next hundred entries. I could easily have opened a window, but preferred to make a game of it by testing my lung capacity. I blacked out only four times, which is an improvement on my previous best.

- - - 2002

Monday, December 24th, 2001, to Tuesday, January 15th, 2002. Some of these guests may have noticed that a year occurred at a point, but I wouldn't like to make this a central plank of any political platform I was preparing like some kind of big cake of office.

The one thousandth guest signed in on Tuesday, January 15th, with several further following up to Friday, February 1st. My goodness. I expect Isambard Kingdom Brunel, the inventor of the guestbook, could not conceive of a thousand people using one, even in his space world of tomorrow. Mil also updated his FAQ during this period. Perhaps you were the straw. The delicious uncertainty.

Ingenious use of a cloth dummy seen only in silhouette through a frosted window concealed Mil's absence from the country at some point between Friday, February 1st and Thursday, February 21st, though he'll be in trouble when he returns as he left the cloth kettle on.

What happens to the guests who are eliminated in crosswinds? Perhaps they are dug into a vegetable patch. I dare not ask. The period from Friday, February 22nd to Saturday, March 16th saw fewer of them than usual, anyway.

Not one of the one hundred guests arriving between Saturday, March 16th and Wednesday, April 10th troubled to warn Mil of the Ides of March, even in retrospect; but by a happy coincidence he was not repeatedly stabbed to death by members of his senate, so it all worked out well in the end. I received a small item of pottery from a Mrs R Tfoigel of Morecambe, though I believe this was a mistake of the post-man's, rather than some expression of appreciation of my archives. I placed a flower in it anyway.

A reasonably exciting record for idiocy was set between Wednesday, April 10th and Friday, May 3rd, though I do not believe anyone went so far as to swoon, as, disappointingly, it was largely the same idiot each time. My giant model of a match-stick constructed from the crushed and beaten flotsam of shipwrecks is nearing completion, and I anticipate a small prize.

I stood on one leg from Friday, May 3rd to Wednesday, May 22nd to see if this would affect guests' entries, in much the same way as that butterfly thing. It did not, but I was attacked by a butterfly and prevented from escaping by the fact I was standing on one leg. Drat.

In the weathery moments between Wednesday, May 22nd and Thursday, June 13th, a guest made a joke about the "sought attention" bit. It is these moments in those moments that make me feel I am not entirely wasting my time; a fallacy I am pleased to continue entertaining.

Could the advent of summery days between Friday, June 14th to Thursday, July 11th cause the conga-line of guests to falter, the numbers dropping away as they go to the park or fail exams instead? What do you readers of my archives looking for your old entries think?

I am the archivist. Hear me arch. From Thursday, July 11th to Wednesday, July 31st. That probably needs a bit of work, but you should see me do the accompanying dance - it's been hailed as at once both powerful and bendy.

Thursday, August 1st to Tuesday, August 20th. Good lord - the next block will feature the two thousandth guest, if one excludes the several double dozen of the prehistory era. It gives one pause, or possibly a back-ache.

Between Tuesday, August 20th and Friday, September 13th, Mil's two thousandth guest signed in. Two thousandth. Two thousand guests. My my my. Two thousand. Who would have thought it? Two - thousand. Well well. What an anti-climactic experience that was.

Rightly contemptuous of piffling superstition, another one hundred guests signed in between Friday, September 13th and Wednesday, October 2nd and mysteriously lost all their hats.

Thursday, October 3rd to Wednesday, October 16th. Mil's book of Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued was released to shops in this period, prompting many associated questions from guests such as, "Will there ever be a book of Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued?"

Guests were tidy and reasonably polite between Wednesday, October 16th to Thursday, October 31st. At that point I was attacked by an owl.

A block of guests from Thursday, October 31st to Monday, November 18th, which includes number 2,473 who made me laugh like an idiot. Fortuitously many idiots also posted so I could easily make the comparison.

Tuesday, November 19th to Friday, December 13th. Mil fans will be pleased to see that one of his famous asides appears, explaining why there are no longer famous asides.

- - - 2003

Once again a year emerged between Friday, December 13th, 2002 and Monday, January 6th, 2003 and once again Mil spent its emergence performing intermittently controlled falls down a mountain. By the sheerest coincidence though, no one this time stole his work back home.

Several visitors mentioned Mil's book between Tuesday, January 7th and Sunday, January 26th. I do not mind, for I receive a royalty of 0.001p every time he uses a comma.

The entries between Sunday, January 26th and Monday, February 17th came to a slightly larger total than usual. Doubtless the bonus extra material is complaints.

Tuesday, February 18th to Tuesday, March 4th.

Tuesday, March 4th to Monday, March 24th.

Monday, March 24th to Friday, April 18th.

Friday, April 18th to Saturday, May 17th.

Saturday, May 17th to Thursday, May 29th.

Thursday, May 29th to Thursday, June 12th.

Thursday, June 12th to Saturday, June 28th.

Saturday, June 28th to Wednesday, July 9th.

Wednesday, July 9th to Saturday, July 19th.

Saturday, July 19th to Monday, July 28th.

Monday, July 28th to Friday, August 1st.

Friday, August 1st to Saturday, August 9th.

Saturday, August 9th to Monday, August 18th.

Tuesday, August 19th to Friday, August 29th.

Friday, August 29th to Tuesday, September 9th.

Tuesday, September 9th to Monday, October 6th.

Monday, October 6th to Wednesday, October 19th.

Wednesday, October 19th to Tuesday, December 23rd.

- - - 2004

Thursday, December 25th, 2003 to Wednesday, February 18th, 2004.

Wednesday, February 18th to Wednesday, April 7th.

Wednesday, April 7th to Thursday, June 10th.

Thursday, June 10th to Friday, July 2nd. Five-thousand-visitor Mil Reply spectacular!

Friday, July 2nd to Monday, August 2nd.

Monday, August 2nd to Monday, September 20th.

Wednesday, September 22nd to Wednesday, December 1st.

- - - 2005

Wednesday, December 1st, 2004 to Thursday, February 3rd, 2005.

Thursday, February 3rd to Monday, April 4th. (Lessening pace of entries as guestbook visitors age and die induces a return to the original style, whereby archive updates are in intermediate groups of 50 before settling in traditional one-hundred-guest blocks.)

Tuesday, April 5th to Wednesday, June 15th.

Thursday, June 16th to Saturday, August 20th.

Sunday, August 21st to Sunday, October 23rd.

- - - 2006

Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 to Monday, January 2nd, 2006.

Monday, January 2nd to Saturday, March 18th.

Sunday, March 19th to Wednesday, July 12th.

- - - 2007

Monday, July 17th 2006 to Thursday, March 15th 2007.