More Apologies

Die, spider.


Some Git in Advertising should apologise: After inventing the word 'light' (as used to mean 'weak'), then COMPOUNDING THE SIN by spelling it 'lite', and thereby releasing a foul pestilence upon Western culture.

China might like to apologise: For being a repressive, murderous, neo-fascist state run by cynical, ruthless and megalomanical tyrants. For a start.

Kate Bush should apologise: For not being naked in my living room at this very moment.

The Host of lying, lying sods who tell you over the speaker system at multi-screen cinemas that, "Leaving by the exits at the front of the auditorium will allow you easier access to the car park." should apologise: For the twenty-five minutes you then spend wandering around disorientated in semi-darkness trying to find where the hell your car is.

A Person following him around explicitly for the purpose should apologise: For any Englishman who thinks he looks good in shorts.

Reflexive Pronoun Abusers should apologise: For believing that saying 'yourself' instead of 'you' is polite or formal or anything except bad grammar. The Chinese Government is bad enough, but you people are really asking for it.

The Entire French Film Industry should apologise: For Monsieur Hulot. Unreservedly.

Every Descendent of Christopher Columbus should apologise: For their ancestor starting the process that led inexorably to the birth of Country and Western music.

You should apologise: For ever being involved in a discussion of your 'favourite Spice Girl'. May God have mercy on your soul.

Nancy Kerrigan should apologise: For looking like a horse - advises Jon, after thumbing his chin thoughtfully. For my part, I think him unduly harsh in view of the all out, pedal to the floor, equine-ness of Queen of the Horse-Faced Women, Andie MacDowell. One might also point out that being horse-like of aspect is Ms MacDowell's entire talent whereas Ms Kerrigan can also skate a bit. Still, we're not here to judge are we? Oh no.

The Melbourne Railway Service (M.E.T.) should apologise: For a list of things that it would fill my server space to detail here - foams former Goth Babe of the Week MilAmber (no relation). The M.E.T. may have access to high-powered lawyers, but MilAmber saturates her prose with blatant sexual innuendo. Which The Apology Homepage judges to be decisive - PULL YOUR SOCKS UP M.E.T.!

Fabulously-named ('Clark Kent' - Ed) should apologise: To the entire male population of the Earth (according to him), for not having the balls to break up with his girlfriend so that he can chase "hot chicks" around New York "in a guiltless frenzy of testosterone". Presumably he's chasing said "hot chicks" around already, but he's guilty about it. You old softy, ('Clark' - Ed) Perhaps merely giving your girlfriend the URL of this page might nudge the relationship to an end? Worth a try. In fact, if anyone else out there wishes to dump their partner as coldly, yet as publicly, as possible, send me the details. Enough heartache-in-the-making and I'll set up an 'Oh Dear - It Appears You're History' page.

('Clark' - Ed) also wanted a Mr William Clinton to apologise for something, which, he speculated, Mr William Clinton had done. Though Mr William Clinton may well have performed this act, with some person, I believe the matter is still before the courts (and likely to remain so, until we are all dead). Therefore, if I put the assertion up here, then the University will doubtless ask me to remove yet another page. Oh, and the CIA will come round and whack me too, of course.


(Keen-eyed readers will note that ('Clark Kent' - Ed) went home, looked lovingly at his girlfriend snoring beside him during the night, decided to give the relationship another chance and mailed me. I am glad to include him in The Apology Homepage's Witness Protection Programme, and hope that his beloved did not see the original text and hack him to death before I had chance to amend it. But if she did… well, you know, whatever.)

Dull Songstress Celine Dion should apologise: for... Look, if you're the kind of person who needs me to tell them what's wrong with Celine Dion then JUST GET THE HELL OFF MY SITE.

Mysterious Figure Jerry S. L. Phang should apologise: it appears. Jerry asks me to announce "I'm really sorry for what I shouldn't have done (suspecting your personality), Vicki. I sincerely hope for your forgiveness. Jerry." Suspecting someone's personality is obviously a grave affair in Jerry's part of the world. What the hell's going on there, I can't possibly imagine, but that's fair enough. The Apology Homepage prides itself on its impartiality. In a world where everyone's out to knock you back, the two things you can always rely on regardless of your mental state are being heard on The Apology Homepage and being able to buy a gun in Texas. It's... it's... sorry - I'm welling up...

A Substantial List Of People should apologise: reports nearly two-and-a-half percent of the population of New Zealand in the form of Matthew Holloway. The Apology Homepage will detail these now using the 'list' tag, for it scoffs at half-measures:

  • Mr Marilyn Manson, Mr Internet, and Mr El Nino should apologise for being evil. (I'm a little unsure about this, as Old Mr Internet is the grocer down our way and 'evil' seems a bit of an uncharitable discription of him. Though he did deliberately poison all those children, I suppose.)

  • Ani Difranco should apologise for getting married, so when she would have met me, we could have made sweet love. (Ms Difranco is an American folk singer, popular with the lesbian community and women who obsessively bite their nails and believe no one understands them. Attractive though, certainly.)

  • You, (I'm talking to YOU) should apologise for not making more funny things. And I've been back two times. TWO! (I'm sorry. No, really - if you'd have come three times and been let down I'd probably have taken an overdose.)

  • Oprah Winfrey should apologise for being so damn grateful of everything. Hey Oprah! it's a mailman, you don't need to be so grateful of a mailman. (Can you imagine the state of any parcels that Matty might get from this day onwards? Hope he hasn't ordered any crockery.)

  • "Coke, Nike, Reebok should apologise for being wanky."

  • "Pepsi should apologise for wanting to "be" Coke." (The lawyers for all those corporations will be wanting to note the quotations marks. Please God.)

  • The Spice Girls should apologise. (Without falling into the Favourite Spice Girl Trap - above - I must observe that an interesting thing has happened. At the outset, Sporty was as unappealing as, well, as any other scouse woman you've ever met. However, the efforts of wave after elite wave of make-up artistes and hairdressers have now transformed her into the best of the lot. Readers aged enough to remember Annie Lennox in her days with The Tourists - when it was a steely-nerved man who could catch sight of her unprepared without screaming out loud - will recall a similar phenomenon. I reckon there's still hope for Western Civilisation while anyone can be made attractive just as long as production values are high enough.)

    Another Substantial List Of People should apologise: insists angry young woman Lay-Ping Tan. It seems that The Apology Homepage is increasingly attracting people who've been storing up resentment for some time, where was that list tag again...

  • Bill Gates should apologize for being an evil bastard who sounds like Kermit the Frog. (Controversial opinion.)

  • John Grisham should apologize for writing the same story over and over and over and over and over and over--and making millions from it. (I imagine he shares an apartment with Joe Eszterhas, and they keep daring each other to sell the same plot one more time, while howling with laughter, and play-fighting by hurling huge handfuls of money back and forth, naked. Maybe Patricia Cornwell comes round occasionally.)

  • The Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Boyzone and 98 Degrees should apologize for inflicting the world with Spice Boys. (Although I do doubt the gender of some of the prettier ones--even Baby Spice isn't THAT smooth-shaven...) ('The Backstreet Boys'. Let's just take a moment to think about that, eh? 'The Backstreet Boys'.)

  • Pamela Anderson ex-Lee should apologize for adding substantially to the amount of non-biodegradable material polluting our suffering earth. (Mmmmm...)

  • My boyfriend should apologize for wanting to look at pictures of naked women, then telling me "but it's only a sexual thing, honey." (Now that's just crazy talk, Lay-Ping.)

  • The script writers and director of First Knight (starring Richard Gere, Sean Connery and whatsherface who was in Legends of the Fall) should apologize for letting Lancelot say "C'mon" to Guinevere. And for giving a crap Hollywood happy ending to the legend of King Arthur. I am scarred for life. (I haven't seen this movie - but surely the suggestion that a member of the British monarchy would have an affair is incredible and outrageous anyway?)

  • Wordsworth should apologize for being overrated, long-winded and rather boring. Give me Keats or Coleridge any time! (Hurrah! The Lake Poets to the rescue! Finally, The Apology Homepage is lifted from a mire of puerile smut and innuendo and set down upon more sophisticated ground. Yes. Um. Well. So, Wordsworth was born in 'Cockermouth', you know.)

  • Jennifer Lopez should apologize for having a big butt and looking sexy with it. IT IS NOT, I REPEAT, IT IS NOT FAIR. (Yeah, I used to think Jennifer was sexy. But then she started hanging around outside my house, 'phoning me up all hours of the day and night, sending me these rambling letters two, sometimes three, times a day, you know the kind of thing. I mean, that's just creepy - don't you think that's creepy?)

    Harry Gaston should apologise: "but as an American, my list would be long, gaudy, and attempt to overshadow everyone else on the page - which would force me to apologize all over again". Concedes Mr Gaston himself, self-effacingly. It was probably this kind of pinko thinking that ensured Mr Gaston could not marry an American woman, for fear that they breed and the humility gene be set free in the country.

    Steve McQueen should apologise: for the infuriating way he almost makes it over the barbed wire to Switzerland at the end of The Great Escape. So, however many times you watch it, you can't help thinking "Hold on - I think that this time he's really going to make it!"

    Mark David Chapman should apologise: Not so much for shooting and killing John Lennon, as for not being a worse shot and not hitting Yoko Ono instead. I mean, have you ever read "Grapefruit"? I think the world would have been a much better place without her... So says Carl Mariani, on his employer's time no doubt. Carl also alerts us that...

    Elizabeth Hurley should apologise: For not admitting sooner how much pleasure she takes in receiving a good spanking. So many years of being deprived of such titillating fantasies. (This fact about Liz is news to me and - believe me - I've certainly been on the look out for such things. Carl obviously has access to some fine information sources. Or maybe you just pick these things up when your job is mostly sitting around reading the day's papers and entering keyword searches for 'fellatio' into the catalogue, eh? Eh, Carl?)

    The sad excuse for a mammal who invented nylons should apologise: hot, excessively uncomfortable leg coverings which continuously fall down and yet are made to look as if you aren't wearing them. Clever. That's the damning conclusion of The Tysons and The Apology Homepage welcomes it like the approach of a favourite nephew. I assume 'The Tysons' are an entire family, and it is a bit odd, therefore, that all of them should wear nylons but, well, Canadians eh?

    Eurolines Coaches should apologise: for the 134 hours sleep they now owe me - or better still, for the rest of his life the managing director ought to be made to try to sleep in a chair with no leg room, that only reclines 1 degree from the vertical and made to pick up his stuff and move to a different bedroom for no apparent reason every four hours.

    Cyndi Lauper should apologise: For inventing that ear destroying caterwauling which seems to be the norm for popular female singers nowdays, with "Girls just want to have fun". Gone are the days of actual singing, now we're cursed with the demonstration of a tuneless vocal range which would have previously only been used in B-movies to demonstrate distress when the monster appears. So says Smid. Actually, I quite like her, but this is The Apology Homepage, and when it comes to Apologies one can't afford friends, Marine.

    Abe, the monkey-tard would like to apologise: for being a neurotic, narcissitic, sociopathic burden to society, especially those areas in which Erin and Zyd are involved... is the heartfelt and lucid declaration of Kipperly. Quite probably that's all some dense code that, deciphered, passes vital atomic secrets to the Iraqis - then won't I look foolish, eh?

    Fox ought to apologise: for cancelling 'Married...With Children', the only American Show worth anything, which let me laugh at all the Americans around me. is the plaintive howl of Eva Vandergeld. Now here's the thing - when I lived in Germany, I loved this programme, having never watched it, ever, in England. When I returned home I greedily sought it out in the schedules and sat down in front of the TV with a grin already prepared... and, well, 'Ho hum'. It seems that 'Married...With Children' is on that list of programmes that are funnier in the German language. A list that consists solely of 'Married...With Children', I think you might have already guessed.

    Brad Kear should apologise, he reckons, by saying: I'm sorry you live in Wolverhampton. He's a wag, isn't he, eh, readers? Ever ready with a witty retort, I've had him kidnapped and beaten.

    Yet another substantial list of people should apologise: according to Mr Jonathan Dagger. Young Jonathan sent his list "Pre-HTML-ized for our list-impaired brethren across the pond". I think you'll join with me in admiration for someone who can retain that kind of positive, feisty attitude despite having such a notoriously small penis - list on, Little Jon.

    • Every movie critic in America must apologize for giving Austin Powers 2 a good review, since they failed to realize that a movie can be quite atrocious yet still have plenty of quotes that sound funny on an Internet sound file.

    • George Lucas must apologize for Phantom Menace, and then promise to hand the franchise over to someone who can make a decent movie. While we're on the subject, the ghost of Gene Roddenberry has to apologize for creating an environment in which Star Trek Voyager could be made.

    • The people of Europe must apologize for reviving Baywatch in international syndication, after it got laughed off American network television inside of a month. And they say Americans are dumb...

    • Jennifer Lopez must apologize again, this time for going from a pretty good actress with a stunning figure to a airhead pop diva with an eating disorder. An ass like that shouldn't be liposuctioned.

    Additional thanks, there, to Jonathan for bringing discussion of both Star Wars and Star Trek to The Apology Homepage - two things which, thus far, have been largely ignored by the internet community.

    Madame Blavatsky should apologise: for unleashing the wrath of the 'New Age' movement upon this blue and green earth. Without her 'Ascended Masters,' we would not be able to have the US filled with amethyst crystal toting, vegetarian channellers. Or cults filled with bomb sheltered, gun carrying survivalists. Kashmira Lareine slurs across the counter to the sympathetic barman that is The Apology Homepage, before pouring another shot of Scotch and adding...
    The entire country of Japan should apologise: for turning the USA into a country infested with the 11th plague: Pokemon. I'm sure everyone affectionately ruffles the hair of that sentiment but, considering Japan's record on apologising, I'd caution against getting our hopes up at all.

    Oh Lord, Kkk Mmm (Um, now there's a first name in real need of a re-think) has sent such a comprehensive list of apologies that not even the power of the List Tag can confine it in its steely grasp. We're into pop-up country here, people - Incoming!

    I'd like to apologise: I'm sorry. That's all. Says contributor and well-known sewing machine noise Wurr, in an apology that's almost spiritually moving in its definitive purity. Though, obviously, only 'almost'.

    I would very much like to apologise: for being such an unpleasant, misanthropic person. Oh, and I hate you. Chips in Michael Horn, speaking, I have to tell him, from the back of a very long queue.

    Commie pinko politicians in Austin should apologise: for caving in like all the other states and passing these crybaby "driving while intoxicated" laws. These shouldn't apply to native Texans. Next thing you know, they'll make drive-thru liquor stores close at midnight like the drive-thru window at ammo stores. Why even drive at all anymore? Storms Dalton McBride from a podium in front of two-hundred-thousand cheering voters, misjudging his satire quite badly and accidently ending up in the White House.

    I should apologize: for the vast majority of my fellow Americans for being so incredibly stupid. So says eramono, as an angry mob from the NRA race after him. Actually, after long thought, I'm not sure that America is the stupidest country on Earth - it's just that they promote their stupidity so effectively.

    The United States Government (whether they know it or not) should sincerely apologise: to the fine officers and sailors of Her Majesty's Royal Fleet for the disappointing mess of a by-the-numbers flick known as "U-571", where you come away thinking: Americans captured the first Nazi U-boat (It was really the British) Americans captured the Nazi code "Enigma" (It was really... you guessed it... the British) Americans cracked the Nazi code "Enigma" (It was really... all together now... the British) Credit where it's due, I say! It's not like there aren't enough truly loser nations we *could* be picking on... like France. So says Christopher Kulander. And I suggest the Americans in the audience glance at his email address before for you invade in a fit of pique, OK? Look, I'm just the messenger here.

    Adolf Hitler should apologise: for being born on the same day as me, snarls Frank Rowley among with some other things ("I should apologise for being the intolerable prat I so enjoy being" - now your heart's not really in that, is it, Frank?). But, anyway, here's the Hitler one for all the world to see - The Apology Homepage is not afraid to take aim at the unpopular targets.

    I apologise: for not knowing what a "Pot Noodle" is. Sobs Nancy O Peebles, and I shudder at her words. Nancy is probably American - because most of you are, aren't you? - and the thought of 250 million people living in a Pot-Noodle-less world fair broke my heart.

    The ad-freaks should apologise: gags K McGowan, for putting those three little words "vaginal yeast infection" together in a sentence. Having a former super-model speak them did not take the edge off. I don't know about you, but I could really go for a tuna sandwich right about now.

    Reversibly-named Matthew Walter wants apologies: for all sorts of things. So many, in fact, that I had call in another pop-up. I am, in general, trying to keep the Sorrys manageable, but who can resist someone who bad-mouths The French and Meg Ryan? He's pushing all the right buttons. Pop it.

    The Spice Girls should apologise: just in general. Remarks Big Steve In Japan. I'm not entirely sure whether Steve is big - and in Japan, or whether he is big - in Japan. God, I'm never going to get to sleep tonight now.

    The entire state of Florida
    should apologise: for not having enough brains to fill out a voting form, barks Welsh expatriate Nicholas V. Jancey from his Danish stronghold. I'll pass over pointing out that it should be 'fill in' (unless you're tragically American) because Nicholas's first language probably isn't English. I really must remark upon this whole Bush/Gore election thing, though, as it's so revealing about the American character. What we have here is the issue of who will run the country. It's all very exciting and the nation, a-buzz, watches events in Florida as the Presidency hangs in the balance. Watches for about a week and a half, at which point everyone says "Oh Christ, just let either of them have it - we're bored now." You know why American will always remain a nuclear power? It isn't the potency of the weapon, it's just that the country's leaders know they could never keep the population interested in a war that lasted more than four minutes - "Jesus, will you just give Idaho to China, for God's sake? This war's been going on all evening."

    I should apologise (confesses Kim in the USA): for the fact that I have contributed to the wealth of N'SYNC and Britney Spears by purchasing their CDs for my 13-year-old son. Gawd, I'm so sorry. Really. Truly. What was I thinking? Someone shoot me! Kim lives in the USA, of course, so somebody probably will.

    George Washington should apologise: for not chasing the Brits across the pond and making the British Empire into the American Empire and saving us all the curse of Camilla Parker-Bowles, types Jared Rypka-Hauer, feverously. One has to wonder whether Jared feels there's any point whatsoever trying to work out his Star Wars name.

    Invisible soldiers who kick my ass all must apologise: but they not SUPERMEN and now I have guns too. I will find them sitting in snowy place and when footprints approach with their voices I will know, says Whitelight Whiteheat. And I'm sure we all agree with that.

    American actors coming over to Ireland to butcher an Irish accent on film should apologise: using that twee Oirish that only ever existed in movies like 'Darby 'O Gill and the Little People'. "Begorragh and bejesus, was me accent that bad at all, at all?" says Conor O'Halloran. Ahhh, Conor, whadayalike?

    Crystal Savage should apologise: for being a complete jerk to her friend Zac when he has never deserved it. She is truly sorry. Or, she says she is, at least. As I've no idea who she or Zac is I couldn't confirm it either way. It's probably some messy situation fuelled by drugs and prostitution or something - I'd rather not get involved.

    Hollywood should apologise: for making me feel utterly dumb for as long as I live for never being able to distinguish between William Hurt, William Heard, John Hurt, and John Heard, confesses Herman Snell, his tiny body racked by sobs. I know you'll all join with me in thanking the lord that somebody has finally had the courage to say that.

    Americans should apologise: for not being able to spell 'apologise', sighs Andrew Mussellwhite. For my part, I think we should be sympathetic to the poor people, who, after all, already have enough trouble not being able to pronounce 'oregano'.

    The gormless shitsacks who broke into my car should apologise: for not having the decency to have died very young when it would still have been a tragedy, stamps JB and I doubt there are very few who would disagree with him. JB actually said a lot of funny stuff, but I'm trying to limit myself to including no more than one 'fuck' every 500 words and his contributions would have given me a five year backlog. He would like me to tell his girlfriend she's got stupid ears, though, which I'm happy to do.

    I'd like to apologise: to a woman who used to work for me, who I called MLBT behind her back for the three months until she quit. It stood for Miserable Little Blonde Twat, a name she acquired by complaining how hard it was to find jeans tiny enough to fit her. So remarks Jessica L. Stern, and I know there's not a person among us who doubts her sincerity.

    London Transport should apologise: for everything. Including things that seem to be totally unrelated to the pathetic service provided on the District line, says The Amazing Sunil (he's probably some kind of children's magician or something). Personally, I think what the tube needs is more German women with colossal backpacks standing right by the doors while everyone is trying to get in and out, there aren't nearly enough of them.

    George Bush should apologise: for being a brainless prat, and then having the gall to turn his mindlessness into a popularity campaign. If I had wanted a stand-up comedian as president, I would have written in George Carlin. That comes from Terri Irving, that does. Now. Now, now, now. I've avoided talking about George W becoming President on the site, as simply saying 'George W Bush is your President' could easily be read by Americans as my saying 'What are you people? Fools?' I wouldn't want to do this at all. Quite a few Americans are surprisingly nice and the country itself has really come along since 1492; it now has a fire service, schools, the lot - splendid work, America. Well done. But, really, George W? What a unpleasant, squalid, morally hollow little man he is. The whole world liked Clinton because we felt his heart was in the right place (even if his penis usually wasn't), which just makes the change to this evil weasel creature all the more shocking. So utterly in the pocket of the big business and oil money that paid to put him in the White House he doesn't even try to pretend otherwise but just grins at you and says 'So? Nothing you can do about it, is there?' The only thing stopping him being the perfect Bond villain is his total lack of charisma. My thoughts are with the American readers. How horribly embarrassing he must be for you.

    Robin Cook should apologise: for looking like the blokes in the old Nik-Nak (crisp) adverts who used to slam washing machines into each others faces reports our political correspondent Guy Barrett. There are five, perhaps six, people who'll get that, but I like it so 'Nyah'. Put up your own damn page if you want to get all the jokes, OK? This is my site and, like Florida, it's not a democracy.

    I would like to apologise: to the world for New Zealand being called a country when really it is simply a refulling station for aeroplanes, whispers a bowed Hayden Skudder, wringing his hands. Let me make it clear that I have nothing against New Zealand, I'm just surprised I get so many hits from there. Surely it's only home to about two dozen people. Perhaps half of whom have access to electricity. Where are all the hits coming from?

    England should apologize for: for one) not spelling apologize right, and two) for existing. I mean, can you possibly think of any country in the world that has caused more grief? Besides bothering the states with their silly little Imperialism, they have personally scarred: Canada, Hong Kong, all of Africa, Australia (no, they don't really count...but still...) Nobody really respects the Brits. They think "The sun never sets" on their Empire, when in reality we just think there a bunch of silly people on a tiny island with bad teeth and the inability to cook, offers Robert L Black. This is a bit depressing for someone as unpatriotic as me, because his aim is so bad. 'Your country is stuffed with whining, petty hooligans whose loyalty you could buy, at any time, for a mobile phone, a curry and a six pack of lager' - Goalllll! Instead he goes with 'can you possibly think of any country in the world that has caused more grief?' to which everybody on the planet roars back 'France!', and he's left looking like some kind of idiot. Then he trots out 'They think "The sun never sets" on their Empire' when Britain hasn't had anything remotely resembling an empire for half a century, everyone here regards it as about as relevant to them as Britain being part of the Roman Empire in AD 70 and if you can find a person in Britain who can list three countries that were in the British Empire then you're standing in a History Faculty of some university. Yet it perpetuates the myth. Britain is a tiny, wet, miserable island off the coast of Europe. The teeth of anyone born since 1960 will probably be fine, and the whole nation is now so wearyingly obsessed with good cooking that all the biggest selling books are cookbooks and every fifth TV programme is about cookery. It ought to be merely an, especially litter-strewn, part of Europe. A mostly insignificant, draughty, dog-shit-covered nation that should pull its socks up and stop whinging about its crap bloody sausages in EU forums. Sadly, this is prevented by some people thinking it's 1902 whenever they look this way - will you people stop calling back some empire no one below pensionable age remembers and out-of-date nonsense about our being 'A Proud Nation' and say useful stuff like 'Why do your CDs cost twice as much as anywhere else and, unrelatedly, you have the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe?'? Who's side are you on? Tsk.

    Juliette Gautier needs to apologise: bad. I did a stupid thing and recently dated this bonjouring bon bon banshee who ripped my heart out and stomped that sucker flat. "I really like the Texans!" my ass. Writes Dalton McBride, completing his abject misery by broadcasting it to thousands.

    Metallica should apologise: for shouting too loud, and dumb music. Insists Leah Xue, somewhat curiously. I feel unable to comment on Metallica's music as, not being a computer programmer, I don't listen to it that much, but surely the point of shouting is to be loud? When you're shouting, you're trying to be as loud as possible, aren't you? Well, certainly I have never shouted and then pulled myself up thinking 'Ooo, over-stepped the mark a bit there.' But anyway, she also says 'Brits' should stop saying all Americans are fat, because she isn't. We'll have to take her word for that.

    I would like to apologise: on behalf of all Australians. Really, we should have driven into the outback with a semi-trailer yelling "Survive THIS" aiming specifically at the Survivor group. Chips in sci-fi named Galen Sturgess. I understand 'Survivor' is an American gameshow set in Australia - clearly a winner from all angles, then.

    Lou Perleman should apologise: and then be hit in the head with a brick for starting the so-called boy-band craze suggests brick-carrying Kerwin Warneke. I suppose it could be argued - though I'm not going to spend any time arguing it as Margret has left me a big pile of washing to do - that The Monkees were really the first boy band. I wonder if, in twenty years, we'll look back at The Backstreet Boys with the same happy affection we have for The Monkees? Yes, of course it's a rhetorical question.

    God should apologise: for taking Douglas Adams and leaving George W. Bush. There really is no justice in the universe says Terri Irving. Now, superficially, you might think that, if you were God, you'd surely be a lot keener to gather Douglas Adams closer to you than you would George W Bush. But this theory is flawed as George W would be going in the other direction anyway - even assuming there is a God, which, obviously, there isn't. In the best of all possible worlds, of course, George W Bush would be dead and Douglas Adams would be President of America - Fate always did do tragedy far better than comedy.

    Teenage American males should apologise: for wearing pants 10 times too large, so they have to hold them up while they run around screeching like mad monkeys snarls Aubrey. Indeed; too tight, too short, too big - teenagers never seem to be able to get trousers quite right, do they? However, glancing down as I type this, I'm aware that my trousers are actually combats made from tartan. It appears that some of us are doomed to never really mature, trouser-wise.

    I want to apologise: for not having more patience with everyone else on this planet. It's not your fault, you just don't know any better. I'm very tired of being the only sane person left on Earth. I'll be leaving as soon as I find someplace better sighs Keith Kipferl. I'll miss him.

    I would like to apologise: for watching a movie while those EIGHT people in the movie theatre were trying to use their cell phones announces FL Puppet. I think, my friends, the time has come to do some good in the world - rather like Alfred Nobel founding those prizes (I forget their name) so that he wasn't just remembered as the creator of dynamite, I feel I should leave something positive behind for humanity. For many years, as you know, I have hoped to be able to push Andie MacDowell into some brambles, but increasingly I fear that may now never come to be. So, instead, let us all make a pledge, and encourage other to make this pledge - spreading out from The Apology Homepage like a pebble of goodness sending ripples of beneficence out across the pond of the world. Let us pledge that if we ever find ourselves on a jury at the trial of a person who, when a cell phone rang in a cinema during a movie, went over to the inconsiderate, stupid, 'Oh, look at me everyone! I'm so popular and important that I couldn't possibly be out of reach for the duration of this movie!' person, took hold of the phone, and smashed it into tiny pieces against that person's teeth, pounding and pounding and pounding the jagged casing and ruptured battery into the owner's face until sheer exhaustion forced a halt - then we will find that person 'Not Guilty'. Simple mathematics will guarantee that if we all bring five people on board (who bring on another five, etc.) then very soon no jury in the world will convict. This may have a sobering effect on people who are overly fond of mobile phones; nothing else, I suspect, will.

    Nettles should apologise, points out Rob Smith, perceptively. Mr Smith proffers several other candidates for apologies too but, though one of his suggestions does contain the evocative phrase "openly masturbating at the glory", I'm irresistibly drawn to the wise purity of his nettle submission.

    The US Government should apologise: to the world for not finishing what General Sherman started and burning everything south of the Mason-Dixon line, forever banishing phrases such as "y'all" and "git me my squirrel pie, sister-mama!!" Also, an apology should be made by California for not yet falling into the ocean and by Texas for not still belonging to Mexico states American patriot Robert Johnson, calmly. It's a tremendously encouraging example for democracy, I feel, that it can flourish in a country where everyone hates everyone else as much as they appear to in America. Well, of course, it would be a good example of democracy, had not America decided against democracy last election because it was taking too long and making the news broadcasts tedious.

    I would like to apologise: to the man across the street from me who keeps flashing me various parts of his nether regions whenever I come out on my balcony for not running over to his house in my flimsiest lingerie, drooling with uncontrollable lust. I would also like to apologise for laughing instead and yelling across the street, "What am I supposed to do with that, pick me teeth? Do you think you're funny? Well I'm sure laughing. Hey kids, come over here and see this man's funny little penis!" says the Canadian genital judge and (one assumes from her name) one of The Borg cbourque7.

    Renee Zellweger should apologise: for having a name that is unpronounceable and contains far to many E's (bad for your health) but mainly for putting on two stone to play the part of Bridget Jones (thus becoming quite definitely one of the sisterhood) then losing it again as soon as they shouted 'wrap'. This is not a sisterly act, she should be carrying the excess two stone around with her all the time, just like the rest of us, decrees Pippa Spark. Having never read a word of Bridget Jones, nor seen the film, this probably makes me alone in the world and certainly removes my right to comment. That never usually stops me, though, so let me just say I'm in favour of all actresses being as fat as possible, by law. Whether this is a feminist issue is of less importance than the fact it would contribute to keeping Andie MacDowell off our screens.

    The next person should apologise to his/herself. Sort of. E.G.Vandergeld actually says: The next person who says I "look exactly like a pint-sized Molly Ringwald. You know, 'Pretty in Pink' Molly Ringwald?" will be very sorry.
    "Hey look! It's little Molly!"
    "Hey look! It's a handgun!"
    Is everyone clear now? Good. Sorry to be so tempermental.
    Looking like Molly Ringwald isn't a fate you'd wish on anyone, of course, but this would be even better if E. G. Vandergeld turned out to be 'Eric G. Vandergeld'. Sadly, it seems she's called 'Eva'. So cheers, once again, to Reality for screwing up a punchline.

    Skittles should apologise: for taking away my lime Skittles. They were the best damn Skittles in the whole pack! I can't even believe they would do such a thing! weeps Amanda. I suspect Skittles themselves are less at fault than the Mars Corporation - those of you looking to waste time (which, of course, is all of you) might like to visit the Mars Corporation web site and ponder whether, if just a few words were blanked out, the average person could guess if it belonged to a company mass producing confectionery or a slightly creepy, embryonic religion.

    Beverly Hills 90210 should apologise: for using a Bad Religion song at the end of the final episode of its fascist, rich kid drama. For that matter, BR should apologise for signing with a label that would allow this type of awful travesty to occur says the very angry Vince. I'm a bystander here. I've never seen a full episode of BH 90210 - I'm not boasting, you understand; I've never seen a full episode of ER either, or The Sopranos. Some things, perhaps, were just not meant to be. I do, however, have to remark that Greg Graffin's definition of 'Punk' is windingly wrong. It is. Look, I was there, man, OK?

    Hayden Skudder should apologise: for his grossly inaccurate and extremely unfair description of our peaceful and beautiful country. We like it just fine! writes Four Million Sheep. You'll realise that I do not want to encourage correspondents calling for apologies from other correspondents - it'll hit productivity. However, I've long felt that the wishes of sheep are under-represented on the site and am glad to do something to address that.

    Every European who's ever met a Canadian and said, "Hey, you must be from America!" should apologise. We HATE that! Here's how you can tell the difference: We're better looking, we converse in an intelligent manner, we don't assume we're better than you... and we wear our damn flag everywhere, because somebody told us that would make Europeans more friendly toward us. The desperate cry, there, of Kendra Newman. Does sort of serve Canadians right for having the same accent as Americans, though. I mean, the British Isles is only two-hundred yards across, yet English, Scots, Irish and Welsh accents are wildly different. Even North and South Ireland are extremely distinct. And no one ever says 'Hold on - is that an American accent or a Mexican accent?', so you can only assume Canadians choose that accent, right?
    I'm going to buried under emails telling me how sweepingly different American and Canadian accents are now, aren't I? OK - but Francophone Canadians are allowed to join in. (That is, join in this or anything else, by the way.)

    Razor Advertisers should apologise: Having just revealed that the previous info-graphic for double bladed razors (in which the first blade lifts the hair so the second can shave you smooth) was a blatant lie, as illustrated by the present info-graphic that reveals there is still hair left for the third blade to shave smooth. Can we ever believe them again? So points out stubbly James W. I'd also like to add - for the benefit of the pre-pubescents reading - that, contrary to the wisdom of television adverts, what happens the moment you've finished shaving isn't that a smiling woman enters the bathroom and hugs you from behind, running an erotic finger down you cheek. What actually happens is bleary-eyed woman with bed-hair walks shuffles in and says 'Well, you can clean that sink properly, for a start.'

    You Can't Do That On Television should apologise: for giving Alanis Morissette a career squeals yet another Australian (that this site is so popular with Australians says, I think, something deeply upsetting about both of us), David Bromage, in one of the couple of things in his list unlikely to bring another threat of legal action my way. What attracts me to it, however, is that I'd never heard of YCDTOTV (it, British readers, basically appears to be a Canadian version of TISWAS). Also, I quite like Alanis Morissette, both musically and in the occasional fantasy where she appears at or around waist height. Checking up on this apology, though, revealed how she used to look and - Arrghhh! - quite frankly. She has the appearance of that girl at school who'd show off in RE lessons by knowing the names of Noah's sons and underlined all her headings twice, in a different colour.

    My colleague Richie should apologise: for the fact that he tries to sound American when in fact he is from Milton Keynes sighs Iain Wilson wearily. He goes on to give examples of Colleague Richie's unforgivableness, such as pronouncing 'route', 'rout'. I find this all so upsetting that I'm unable to comment.

    Rachel Stahm would like to apologise: for thinking that American men can actually be civil and stop being wrestling maniacs who are drunk, boob obsessed, Simpsons watching, crazy drivers, who look at a girl's bum over her personality. Oh wait... isn't that a world-wide trend? Excuse me... I would like to apologise for trying to apologise for American men... when world-wide... men seem to be all the same... Save some of the earlier comments made... Non-American men have accents. Very nice. Opines Rhonda. Oh, where to start, eh, readers? I might comment that the best way to prevent your bum being viewed over your personality is not to have such a big bum - but such cheap, sexist jibes are just not in me. I could remark that Rhonda appears to have ellipsis fever - such pedantry certainly is in me, but I happen to know she's only a teenager, and an American teenager at that, and so, overall, she's actually done pretty well against stiff odds. I certainly have to say that while I don't fit into the other categories, I think The Simpsons is splendid. However, I suppose I only have time to mention one thing, so that thing has to be the 'American men don't have accents' axiom implicit in her discourse. Hello? American men - and, indeed, American women (though, naturally, it's spotted less often because of their unwillingness to speak up) - do have accents. Not even mildish accents like, say, I have either (just the other day Hannah pointed out I have the West Midlands trait of finding two syllables in the word 'mine'). Americans have outrageous accents. No wonder they talk so much. I would too, just to hear the sound of my own voice and, each and every time, be struck with amusement and childlike delight; 'Just listen to me - I can't believe I talk like this! What a hoot!'

    Newly reached 17-year-olds with baseball caps should apologise: for buying clapped out wrecks, attaching large exhausts and possibly a picnic table sized spoiler to the back, fitting a PA system to their rusty machine and sharing their 'music' with the entire sea-front by my flat. Gits. Grumbles Guy Barrett, and I'm with him. My neighbour, as I've mentioned, is insane. Most days, she opens all the doors of her car that's parked in front of her house and turns the radio on full blast so she can listen to it in the back garden. A sonic tsunami crashes around all the houses in the area for hours on end. The thing that gets me, though, is that she has it tuned to Radio WM - which, for foreign readers, is the station that plays Perry Como and Andy Williams in between middle-aged woman phoning in to talk about the hard skin on their feet.

    North Korea should apologise: for being so creepy whispers Mark, nervously glancing over his shoulder. As it happens, he gives an extensive list of things he feels need apologies, but I'm trying to limit people to one each now:
    1) For fairness; a one person, one vote kind of affair. Which, I'll point out, is one more vote than would be allowed you in Florida anyway. (Do you think I'm ever going to get tired of that Florida thing? Nah, me neither.)
    2) To save me time, which I can then spend on laziness.
    3) So that the page downloads as quickly as possible. The net, being an American creation, is coloured by the waters that fed it. Statistics say that the average attention span of a person browsing a page is... Oh. You've gone.

    I would like to apologise: on the behalf of all those who signed the guestbook for this page and made it into an advert for their own website, using an excess of profanity and claiming to be something or someone they could only hope to be, and would only be if the world were constantly on fire and all women understood what the hell their respective men meant when they said, "I like your new haircut" and all men realised that women just use PMT as an excuse to be complete pains in the rectum--in other words, when hell freezes over. I really hate people like that. They should pay a percentage from their monthly income for their own stupidity so they may be permitted to continue existing on my planet, says Katrina Kamradt, starting slowly but becoming a torrent. Now, my dear friends, I've thought about mentioning some of what I'm about to say above the Guestbook but decided, sticking with my life plan, that I couldn't be bothered. I have a policy that only one thing gets edited out of the Guestbook. If people want to say I'm crap and useless, that's fair enough - for one thing, I don't think I can bang on about the value of freedom of speech on the Internet and then censor people who want to remark that I have stupid hair. Secondly, those who think that being told I'm a wearisome idiot will rock my world and break my spirit must have missed that small section of the site where I mention that I've lived with Margret for thirteen years. Finally, I'm more just than nice. Anyone who, with a little buzz of onanistic excitement, decides 'Ha! I'll say this - everyone will think I'm really radical and cool and unconventional and tough. They'll probably fantasise about me, in fact.' must be prepared to have their comments remain there, unchanged, for all eternity and spend their old age being laughed at in the street by small children. Those who live below the grammar line, WRITE EVERYTHING IN - PLEASE, PLEASE, LOOK AT ME - CAPITALS, have a level of reading comprehension or mental frailty that leads them to say stuff like 'Dump the bitch!!!' or 'You hate all women!!!!', well... I'm not going to save you from the world's sniggering by deleting your entries later. I won't add comments to hold you up to ridicule, but if you're set on holding yourself up to ridicule - go ahead. I'll happily watch you all day - I have a chair, I have biscuits. The only thing I will edit is entries that have nothing - not even a vaguely relevant comment - but a link to a commercial site. Link to your commercial site, by all means, if you're there doing the Guestbook thang anyway. However, nothing but a commercial site link and I'll either delete you or edit the link out. There's no irritating advertising on this site and I don't make any money from it, so if you think I'm going to act as a free promotion for your Mobile Phones And Shitting Teens business you can think again.
    I bet, I bet, I get loads of emails from Bush supporters in Idaho calling me a communist now. I can see it coming.

    The (slightly nervous) guy who failed me on my driving test yesterday should apologise: though he should be hailed as a hero by the motoring world at large, natch, admits Chris. If it's any consolation, owning a car is just like shovelling money into a hole. I often hear people saying 'Ooh, you won't believe the money you save by giving up smoking! Really, it's a great incentive.' Which is stupid. Give up having a car and use public transport instead; you'll be able to buy cigarettes for yourself and all your children and still be quids in. People just don't think things through nowadays.

    The Labour Party should apologise: for leading us to believe that if we vote them in they're going to review licensing hours and stop making pubs shut before I get drunk, and then doing nothing about it for 4 years. And then repeating their promise before the last Election and once again doing sod-all. I fall for it every time. So I apologise as well stomps Matt Giess. Mmmm... hands up everyone who believes that Matt, in fact, isn't drunk by the time the pubs shut.

    Plumbers should apologise: for sharing the split that the good Lord gave them, shivers Maggie from the USA. It took me a few seconds to work that one out. It's not so much of an issue here in the UK due to the sheer unlikelihood of being able to get a plumber to turn up in the first place.

    I should apologise: for using :-)s all the time online cowers Ann Labuda (I find her name reminds me of 'A labia'. But then, you know, what doesn't?), quite correctly. She says many other things too, including one about being hit by a bullet which, sadly, collapses from 'Gosh!' to 'Um, oh right.' when you learn she lives in Texas. Context, you see, is everything.

    I should apologise: for being too terrified of the horrible, insane, knife wielding little man I know in Real Life as Jonathan Dagger to confirm that since he is only Four Feet tall, your generalisation about his penis is probably correct intones John Foelster. The Apology Homepage never tires of being self-referential.

    TLC (The Learning Channel) should apologise: for renaming "Scrapheap Challenge" to "Junkyard Wars" for the American broadcast, as much as admitting that they think your average American won't watch something unless it's got "War" in the title. Or that we don't know what a scrapheap is stomps J. Buck Caldwell. Once again, my heart goes out to the American readers. How galling it must be to know that everyone thinks you're grunting, simplistic dullards just because you're ruled by a grunting, simplistic dullard. Oh well, only another four years, eh?

    AOL, Microsoft and Netpliance should apologise: for giving people with the IQ of bean dip the idea that they should be on the Internet fumes Eddie Maggitt. While I try, above all else, to remain impartial, I have to support Eddie here because these people are not simply 'on the Internet', but most of them are also emailing me or writing 'Just dump her' in my guestbook. Still, I suppose even idiots need a hobby and the web is perfect at providing words for people who'd never manage a book, online chat is ideal for people with nothing to say and email allows people thousands of miles apart to instantaneously demonstrate their inability to spell.

    Walt Whitman should apologise: for "Song of Myself". 'nuff said sighs Nicholas Cassavaugh. I must admit that I don't find 'Song of Myself' especially tiresome, I do have a problem with this kind of 'poetry', however. Call me a reactionary, call me a philistine, call me a mysophiliac, call me what you like, but - um, actually, don't call me a mysophiliac, that's uncalled-for - but I think poetry should have meter and rhyme. If you want to write two-hundred words about how you're tragically misunderstood and melancholy (and, by Christ, there are enough people on the net who do, it seems), then don't call it your poetry, call it a very, very short novel or something, OK? The skill of poetry is making it rhythmic and rhyming, the skill isn't simply 'writing well' or Catch 22 would be in the poetry section in the book shop, wouldn't it? And - News Flash! - anything sounds deep if you keep having line breaks. Hold on... um... right;
    By using
    This site,
    You signify
    Your agreement to all terms,
    And notices
    Contained or referenced herein
    (The "Terms of Use").

    The wise, and yet poignant, 'Legal Notices' from AOL's page, there.
    Oh dear. It's not even 11am yet and already I'm very, very angry about unmetered blank verse. There goes another day, then.

    The big haired American sheila should apologise: says Andrew A.P. Murray with the words "Hey you! The big haired American sheila on the train from Paris to Amsterdam who ruined my enjoyment of the French countryside with your buzz-saw, sinus-rending voice explaining how you were going to regale your powder-faced friends back home with stories of your travels in a place called "Yurp". It is, of course, unutterably easy to make fun of America tourists. Which somehow makes it very unjust that it never ceases to be enjoyable.

    The BBC should apologise: says Colin MacDonald, at such length that I've had to put it here. He really is a bit of an angry loner, is Colin. If I worked for the BBC I'd have security doubled... Um, in fact, I should probably double my security too - Colin utterly hates me as well. (Colin hates everyone. Except Colin, of course, whom he loves.) Still, as previously demonstrated, I don't censor people simply because they're not very nice. Where would that end, eh? And following The Simpsons and Malcolm In The Middle with The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is really clever, BBC. Obviously, when you have them together like that, then no one can possibly notice that The Fresh Prince appears to be written by a slightly slow eleven-year-old, using a book called How To Make Creaky, Dumb As It Gets, By-The-Numbers Sitcoms, written by another slightly slow eleven-year-old.

    Detroit, Michigan ought to apologise: for having sewers that have steam pouring out of them, leaving you with no choice but to visualize what is causing that steam, shivers Stephanie Del Mei. I understand Detroit is otherwise picturesque.

    I want to apologise: for BT. I keep giving them money. I'm sorry, says CountB, his head bowed in shame. How did BT lose all that money, by the way? BT. You just can't charge what BT does (which is outrageously) for what BT charges for (which is entirely everything possible) and lose money like that. I can only conclude that every single person who works for the company has a colossal drug habit.

    The rest of the world should apologise: for assuming that I am a hick who rides her horse in for school, simply because I live in Texas, says horse-riding hick Lindsey.

    People who put porn movie-esque music on their adverts because they think that it makes yoghurt/coffee/bathroom cleaner sound sexy should apologise: STOP IT. STOP IT NOW. IT'S JUST COFFEE FOR GOD'S SAKE shudders Christopher Charlton. I'm not entirely sure what he's referring to here, but I'm idly intrigued to see what new visitors turn up at this page via search engines now it has a single sentence containing the words 'porn', 'yoghurt' and 'bathroom cleaner'.

    England should apologise: for the crass way in which you've exported Thomas the Tank Engine. I mean, the United States would never try to foist useless products on the world huffs Andrew McMichael. Well, some things just have to be done for the good of those less fortunate than ourselves. You may knock Thomas the Tank Engine, but I don't see anyone else giving Ringo Starr work, right?

    Fergus Murray should apologise: confesses Fergus Murray. I once threatened Rich Pelley's cat. I was young and foolish, and I didn't mean it. For all I know he didn't even have a real cat. If you think I'm troubled by the fact that Fergus's apology hasn't even the tiniest meaning to more than about seven people on Earth, then you're obviously new to this site.

    I would like to aplogise: to female pandas. Not only does the male panda have a penis the roughly the size of a human thumb, they all seem to be too preoccupied with modern political philosophy or the history of art to bother having sex. And those female pandas look so cute with the black and white fur and the beanshoots and everything. So says Matt Reynolds. No, I don't know where he lives.

    Kendra Newman and all Canadians should apologise: for the reference on accent distiguishing - I am certain that Kendra is one of the numerous Canadians I have met who are equally as convinced that I am Australian, not English; as I feel that they are American. Of course the difference being that once I see a Canadian in profile whilst speaking, the difference becomes abundantly clear. These are the words of Shotgun. I repeat, 'Shotgun's words, not mine'. Is everyone clear about there authorship now?

    I should apologise: for watching Kilroy every morning specifically to enrage myself says Rob Smith, head bowed. Personally, I like the way someone in the audience will utter a really astonishingly banal platitude, and then everyone else will applaud. There was never any daytime TV when we had National Service, that's all I'm saying.

    The bawling little sod and his completely ineffectual mother should apologise: for driving me to the point of all-four-cylinders-firing screaming frustration during my recent coach trip to visit my parents, says student Matthew Spencer. Truly, and I speak from experience, children are the most precious and amazing thing in life. Other People's Children, however, are little bastards, every last one of them.

    People who criticise advertisers should apologise: Yes, we KNOW it's only soap / coffee / a feminine hygiene product. That's WHY we tried to make it more interesting. I mean, do you have any idea how frustrating it can be, listening to bollock-witted focus groups spunking out their half-formed opinions about how it seems "a bit too clever"? Listening to some malodorous, arse-brained client whine "No, I think the logo should be 10% larger, actually"? It's a soul-destroying, ball-shrinking grind from 8am when you get in 'til 8pm when you leave, and it doesn't even pay that bloody well. Say Someone Who Would Rather Remain Anonymous. I'm irresistibly attracted to this. Making the case for us to feel sorry for advertising executives? Splendid - for it is very much a part of this site that it is a place to 'think the unthinkable'.

    Mil should also apologise: For using graphics on his page that so nearly resemble the anarcho-syndaclist flag, heckles Chris Miles. This and the previous Apology arrived in my mailbox next to each other, as they are here. The deliciousness of this coincidence sent me into such a spasming orgasm of delight that I've only just now recovered consciousness.

    Americans should apoligise: says TheEvilDr86, then goes on to give an extensive list of things. Now, quite apart from the fact I'm trying to avoid it appearing like I dislike Americans - which is wholly untrue - one of the things TheEvilDr86 lists as requiring an apology is Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Overstepped a mark, right there.

    I would hereby like to apologise: to my grandmother, for naming our cats with real human names, grieves Leigh Garland. (I don't know. It's probably some kind of witchcraft thing.)

    I would like to apologise: for the state of Florida, as it was my ingenious idea to shape it as the phallus of America - obviously The States aren't very well hung. Florida should be bigger. I sincerely apologise for any inconvenience or feelings of sexual inadequacy this may have caused my fellow Americans. Stephanie Crawford, there. Revealing all kinds of things to us.

    Secondary (not of the big three) American television networks should apologise: for being rubbish. That's the declaration of Edward Johnson (highly abridged). It seems to me that there's a limit to the number of decent TV channels you can have. After you reach a certain number you just start having to spread the watchable stuff around more thinly, gradually making everything increasingly rubbish, across the board. Hold on - this is communism! The whole of the America media is communist! William F. Buckley Jr. is right!

    Salt Lake City should apologise (in advance): for being a horrid disappointment to the soon to arrive international winter sports loving crowd. Never has there existed a more ridiculous, confusing, and pointless set of laws regarding alcohol advertising, consumption, and availability nor a worse place for party loving people to try to enjoy themselves. As a former citizen of the aforementioned city I ask the IOC "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!" From Tom Herring. The man likes a drink.

    I'd like to apologise: for working at Sainsburies and being a Sixth Form Student. BECAUSE THAT OBVIOUSLY MAKES ME SOME FORM OF IGNORANT FOOL? stomps Robert Luckett. He goes on to give an argument why this isn't the case, but - pffft - eh, readers?

    Americans should apologise: for insisting that they won the War of 1812. Apparently, just because several key American cities were captured, Fort Detroit - with a 1200 man garrison - was surrendered to 400 Canadian Militiamen, British Regulars and Native troops without a shot being fired, and the Presidential Mansion - along with most of Washington, DC - was burnt to the ground doesn't mean that the Americans lost. The voice of James McMullen.
    Evan Tessier, an actor from Houston, thinks Canada should apologise: for thinking Americans even care. The entirety of Canadian sentiment seems to consist of: 1.) We're better than America. 2.) Please buy our trees. I'm certain, some day, a Canadian will realize that railing at us from across the border and on stand-up comedy stages honestly doesn't affect us in the slightest, and will immediately kill himself. Which is a shame, really, because it robs the world of another senseless waste of human flesh, reflects KngtOfNee.
    It pains me - pains me deeply, ladies and gentlemen - to see Canada and America argue in this way. I suggest that to finally resolve the sibling rivalry two champions - one from each nation - should decide the matter by fighting to the death with big hammers, one-on-one. Please allow me to choose George W. Bush and Celine Dion. It's a win/win situation.

    The British Natural History museum should apologise: for allowing free entrance resulting in swarms of pre-school kids jumping, swinging, breaking and snapping anything they get their wee hands on! snarls Mel Cox. Yup - gangs of kids hanging round natural history musuems; it's a society out of control, it is.

    Bands like Weezer and Wheatus should apologise: for calling themselves geek rockers. If they really were nerds they wouldn't have wasted time at high school learning to play instruments. They would have been playing D and D in the library like the rest of us. That's Ben Anderson. 'There but for the grace of God...', eh?

    Every moron in the university computer lab should apologise: for staring blankly at computer screens, slack-jawed and gawking as tribal man in awe of the first fire, and using it exclusively to "chat." Furthermore, they should also apologise for ruining my childhood fancy that college is "where the smart people go." huffs Ryan. Ryan doesn't mention whereabouts in the world he is, sitting in a college full of the slack-jawed. So far be it from me to investigate briefly and discover he's in Oklahoma.

    Admen should apologise: Anyone on the televise who plays a scientist is portrayed as a nerdy, ugly, thick-glasses wearing loner with no life, in a lab with coloured liquids, (there's always coloured bubbling liquids! Most chemicals are colourless dammit!) rather than a sexy, adventurous - biker type with lots of girlfriends and a wonderful social life. Well we would be if only we could get some of the cash from the Admen. (And accountants.) wails Martin Moss. Can I quickly point out, Adpeople, that 'Admen' is a quote; Martin perhaps blames the Admen particularly. Next, can someone pop out and make a brief note of every chemical there is, because I'm uneasy with the claim that most chemicals are colourless. Finally, never mind, Martin. Maybe with piles cash from the Admen and accountants you could buy lots of girlfriends, but who'd want those kind of girlfriends anyway? Eh? Eh?... Yeah, well - but I'm still right about the chemicals thing.

    I should apologise: to my gorgeous girlfriend for not being able to tell the difference between a 3 and a 5 and thereby delaying our relationship by over 2 months. Um... Well - oh, that's Dougray Tollbrook (no, I haven't mistyped, it does say 'Dougray') speaking there, incidentally - that's a thinker, isn't it? I can only imagine they met in a club, Dougray said 'What's you number?', Proto Gorgeous Girlfriend replied '555-353-33355333-GORJUS' and later - Doh! - Dougray is sitting at home, recalling his 3-5 blindness and beginning to dial the phone in a two month-plus process of elimination.

    My voicebox should apologise: for emitting a voice which is probably the same frequency as background noise, thus making conversation with attractive women (who would otherwise be charmed into a moist slushy mess by my wit and intellect) very difficult due to the need for dull soul-crushing repetition. I'm not bitter. Weeps Martin Calvert. Bitterly. Pfft, Martin - always remember that beautiful women and much more scared of you than you are of them, yes? Oh, no, wait - that's spiders. Crap.

    Amsterdam should apologise: for inviting the Texas cowboy trend to infiltrate all of the good shopping streets last year. Being from Texas, all I ever see is cowboy hats and baby tees that say "Texas, y'all!" So I go to Amsterdam to get away from it all and take it the sights, maybe get some shopping done. Well, you ruined that for me too whoops Jessica Johnson, slapping her chaps in irritation. I promise her now that I will not encourage my friends and neighbours to wear cowboy hats - step-by-step, together, we'll overcome this thing.

    All people who go to watch tennis matches (probably the players too) should apologise: for laughing at things which are simply NOT funny like birds... flying. This is not funny. Wise words from Jessica Spackman.

    Panasonic should apologise: for making the hole in the front on my video machine bread shaped, encouraging a small person, who Iappear to own, to try regularly to use it as a toaster sighes Nicky Haze, wistfully. I bought one of those VCR child covers when First Born was a baby, so that he wouldn't jam his fingers inside. Naturally, he figured out how to unfasten it by the time he was about six months old. Margret still hasn't figured it out how to unfasten it.

    I would like to apologise: for immediately disliking every girlfriend my brother brings around for me to meet. Just because they look like they haven't reached puberty, are blonde and less than 110 pounds doesn't mean that they are not nice people. I would further like to add that I also apologise for calling all of them "What's her name? The Blonde? Uhmm. You know. The one you showed us last Tuesday." pleads Andrea Hulette. So, there you go, Andrea Hulette's brother. Andrea's done her part so now, in a spirit of compromise, we all think you should start dating some ugly woman.

    My roommate should apologise: for having stinky, shitty pet mice that gave me ring worm and being more upset about the mice being confiscated than my diseased arm, says Michelle Merrill. I find this utterly chilling to read - the discovery that, at Colby College, if your arm gets ringworm, they confiscate it.

    Dixel should apologise: for the reasoning that a) kittens are soft b) we like to wipe soft things on our bottoms c) QED wiping kittens on our bottoms would be the most pleasurable part of visiting the toilet? And do they test this? I have a horrible vision of a lab somewhere and men in white coats, a box of prototype toilet paper in one hand, a box of little white fluffy kittens in the other. Or perhaps they use to kittens to make the toilet paper (by this I don't mean the kittens sit at a loom and weave the stuff). And is there a pet shop somewhere with a sign, "Kittens for sale, toilet-paper soft. Slightly used. £1."? Tony Jackson. An angry man.

    I'd like to apologise: to my best friends who still think that I had a twin who died at birth. I was bored a few years ago and made up that story and said they could never mention it to my family because it sends my mom into depression for days (had to cover my ass, you know). Then I forgot about it until a few days later when people at school started telling me how sorry they were to hear about my twin. I couldn't admit my lie then because it'd make my friends look stupid, so they've never learned the truth. That's Shadowv. I know that's kind of washed over you all, so let me just remind you that this is someone who was bored, so told everyone they had a twin who died at birth. If you're the President this is really the kind of person you want the FBI to keep an eye on, isn't it?

    Mary Enda Tookey should apologise: She knows why. Thus speaks Micki DeBehnke.

    Milla Jovovich should apologise: for being so incredibly sexy, especially in that bad sci-fi movie The Fifth Element, that it makes my naughty bits ache with desire, gasps Jess Gordon. Quite right. I vote she comes and apologises to me first.

    Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen should apologise: for having disgustingly perfect lives and for making horribly dull movies, in all of which they get to go on some fabulous vacation no one in the world could pay for except them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! shouts Lorraine who says she's twelve years old. (Trust me - use eighteen exclamation marks and you don't need to add that you're tweleve years old.) Anyway, as they aren't really well known here in the UK, I hadn't the faintest idea what Lorraine was talking about so I went off and entered "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen" in to Google to see who they were. In a rapid but utter about face, I am now wholly in favour of some things being censored from the Web.

    The creator of the show "Pet Psychology" should apologise: for letting his practical joke on old women become a TV show trumpets disturbingly Orwellian Guest Services Assistant 2. I learn that in America there's a TV show called 'Pet Psychology', and yet hold my tongue. See how far I have travelled? Do you see?

    Britney Spears should apologise: for what she is doing to the youth culture of the world; I for one am personally offended by her perpetual display of tackiness says Jennifer LaMadrid, the simple lines of her unshowy, black evening dress causing all eyes to swarm to her, enviously. For my part, I have to say I have a kind of morbid fascination with Ms Spears. She constantly excites and surprises me, for there is hardly anyone else whom I hate on quite some many levels.

    Christina Aguilera should apologise: to Dee Snider of Twisted Sister for stealing his look, observes Russell Guldin. Sometimes, just sometimes, my lip actually trembles I'm so proud of this page's readers.

    Incubus should apologise: for making some of us stay up till 6am watching them guest program Rage, only to be subjected to their astounding taste in music and eventually wind up glaring at shockers like Kylie Minogue and that intriguing robot-lesbian-sex-scandal of a film clip from Bjork slurs Allie from Australia. No, I don't know what the hell that's all about either - but it sounds excellent.

    Mail The Apology Homepage - go on, you'll feel better for it.




    What a resounding success this campaign was, eh?