Some things are Clearly Bollocks. There is no doubt about it; no umming, no ahhing, no on-the-other-handing. It's bad enough that the place is littered with these arguments, which continue to exist even though one side is Clearly Bollocks - Evolution versus Creationism, for example. What disturbs me more, however, is the number of things which are taken as axiomatic, which provoke no comment whatsoever, despite being blindingly, crashingly, screamingly CLEARLY BOLLOCKS. ("List them for us, Mil - Pray God, list them!")

The Spice Girls

'Wannabe' makes me ashamed to be British, but I'm far from alone there. There's at least a large number of people pointing out that much of the Spice Girls' music is on a par with a fluffed gear change. Unfortunately, there's not the same awareness of what a terrible bunch of slappers they are, it would seem. They are young, famous, in pop music and keep telling us they're sexy, so they must be babes, eh? This is Clearly Bollocks. Everyone goes along with it because it's easy and they're lazy; like making Jeremy Beadle jokes or saying 'allegedly' after every damn sentence, as though that makes it somehow funny, still.

The Spice Girls range from 'a simple lack of overt ugliness' down to 'a shade above homely'. Let us cease to pretend otherwise.


Passion has come to be a smokescreen. It started because people did good things and did them with passion; music, art, sport, politics and so on - think of Bill Hicks eulogising the passion of Hendrix. But time has fogged our perceptions, it's the with passion that's important, passion alone is neutral.

Glenda Jackson MP recently said - of protesters at the new Manchester Airport site - 'Whatever you think of their aims, you have to admire the passion of these young people'. This is Clearly Bollocks. You could, with the same logic, say 'Whatever you think about the Third Reich, you have to admire the passion with which it went about the murder of anyone it didn't like', or 'The Oklahoma bomber was certainly passionate in his beliefs, you should respect that'. I have a huge passion when it comes to hairy armpits on young women, for example; does this cast me in an heroic light? Passion confers no legitimacy in itself, it merely enhances legitimacy if it's there already, to be passionate about something stupid just increases the idiocy. Only a twat would think otherwise.


Or, more specifically, the answer "It'll be fifteen minutes". This is, demonstrably, Clearly Bollocks. Let us cease to reply "OK, thanks." and reply "No it won't, you lying git".

Johny G

Everything this fascist sphincter-head says is repugnant nonsense. Let use cease to engage him in reasoned debate, but merely say "That's Clearly Bollocks" and go about our business.

I realise that virtually no one reading this will know my acquaintance, Johny G, but it's well worth knowing just in case you ever meet him.

Quentin Tarantino is cool because of the violence in his movies

The torture scene in 'Reservoir Dogs' doesn't work as a piece of cinema, for me. It doesn't work because it's so harrowing that I have to keep reminding myself that 'it's only a film'. Such a thing, unless you're Brecht - which necessitates you being communist, German and dead; and so unlikely to be reading this - is not a desirable aim. Tarantino is great because his films are so wordy. People talk unremittingly. More bodies pile up in any Steven Seigal film, but no one says anything of any interest. Slasher movies splatter more blood about and often try to inject a little 'humour' too, but the result is nothing more than a catch-phrase and some weak puns. Think of the scene in 'Pulp Fiction' where they're trying to re-start Uma Thurman's heart, what makes it so funny is Rosanna Arquette whining about people coming round the house all the while throughout. Tarantino deserves credit for, subtly, bringing dialogue back to movies. To ignore this is Clearly Bollocks, let us cease to focus on ear-removal.